A Divorce in India
August 2006, India
By Neelmani J. Bhatia
It is only a six-letter word, but it has the devastating potential of an atom bomb. In a fit of violent anger, Sajid threatened to say “talaaq” (divorce) thrice, thus ending our marriage under the Muslim law. My dream world shattered. Not that the pillars of my marriage were strong. I had seen Sajid’s feet of clay, yet I had hopes of winning over Sajid’s reservations and convincing him of my love for him.
Sometimes I really wonder what made Sajid marry me. Coming from a very rich Muslim family, there was no dearth of girls for him. But his parents had approached my parents, asking my hand in marriage with Sajid. Initially my parents were not so inclined. Not that there was anything wrong with the proposal. He came from a rich and reputed family, but above all, he was highly educated too. Though my parents had bestowed on me the wealth of education, we were nowhere near Sajid’s family riches. Everyone was apprehensive that a small town girl might not be able to adjust in a modern family of a metropolitan city. But Sajid’s father was adamant on making me his daughter-in-law; they did not want a rich bride, but one who was a true but educated Muslim.
My father was impressed by this humility. My mother ensured that we were regular in our salat - offering prayers five times a day. Brought up in these circumstances I had no qualms about marrying a boy chosen by my parents.
It was an arranged married but we were both allowed to meet three or four times, with my aunt tagging along as chaperone. Some people might laugh, but then I feel sometimes even a lifetime is also too short a period to know someone.
Sajid was a dream come true. Fair, tall, with light grey eyes and golden hair - the colour did not come out of a bottle but was naturally golden. In fact, my brother started calling Sajid Goldilocks - but of course when Sajid was not around.
I had studied in the best girls college in a predominately Muslim town, with some Hindus, too, living in perfect harmony. So my college was not exclusively for Muslims. I had made many friends, including some Hindu girls. They used to ask me such ridiculous questions as though Muslims were a very primitive community. I felt more annoyed than amused by the misconceptions people have about Islam. My friends used to tease me that my husband would be having four wives, will beat me up or divorce me, spur of the moment, by muttering “talaaq” three times. I used to quote verses to them from the Quran to show them that Islam dissuaded people from divorce, describing it as the most detestable of all unlawful things in the sight of God. Marriage was considered a sacred bond.
And with conviction I tried to make mine a success, too.
With stars in my eyes I came to my in-laws’ house. But life could not have been worse. Sajid was inconsiderate from the first day. I had tried to resist him, feeling shy and uncomfortable being thrown in such close proximity with a stranger. But he mocked me: “For a student of literature you are acting very coy.”
I would not exactly call it a marital rape, but it was nearly that. I gave in because I could see violence in his eyes and cruelty in his demeanour. He was a male chauvinist. For him my being educated was something to scoff at, and I ended up as the butt of his jokes. Though he himself had an MBA, he would ridicule me over my reading even the newspaper. I thought his parents must have indulged him and spoiled him, but it was something deeper. He was not ready to accept me as his equal partner. I had to be subjugated by all kinds of mental and physical torture. Sometimes I started feeling like a moron. I had to act dumb so often to maintain peace at home that soon I lost all my confidence. I had really been broken.
I had once read a story that a tiger was caught by some villagers. They tied him to the tree and starved him and deprived him of water. Nearly dead, the tiger lapped up the water offered in a bucket a couple days later. The villagers celebrated. The tiger had been tamed.
I hid everything from my parents because he would put up such an air of docility that I was sure no one would believe that he was devil behind the bedroom door. My first child, Rehman, was born not so much out of love as of lust. I really looked forward to his birth, Rehman came as a bundle of joy which even Sajid was happy to coddle. But soon the charm wore off and Sajid was back to his normal - or shall I say abnormal - behaviour. He had such mercurial temperament that I really had to pinch myself to believe that what I was experiencing was not a nightmare.
Unfortunately, it was not so. My moments of happiness were very short lived. I was not able to please Sajid. I do not think it was my failure, because I tried to appease him in every way. I gave up reading because he did not like my books. I really had to act dumb at parties because any intelligent discussions where I would be admired for my intellect would mean bearing verbal and physical abuses later from Sajid.
I tried to determine why Sajid felt so insecure. If he really loved me and felt that I would leave him, finding him less intelligent, then beating me black-and-blue or throttling me was hardly a way to ensure my bondage. I was mentally poles apart from his family. For me family ties were very important, whereas other women - including my mother-in-law and sisters-in-law - were more into clothes and jewelry and movies.
I could not bear to sit in suffocating movie halls, but felt I would be alienating myself from the in-laws. I went and it was a futile forfeiture of personal desires. I came back not only with a severe headache but also found Sajid fuming mad at not finding me home when he returned from the office. They say one should not ride in two boats. But then what could I do? If I ignored them and looked after Sajid, his mother would be angry, and if I just waited upon them then Sajid would feel neglected.
I felt lonely and my mother guessed it. She is very sensible, but emotional, too. She asked me many times whether everything was OK, but I dismissed her worries summarily. I did not want her to be disturbed. So I confided in Shenaz, a cousin of Sajid. She is of my age - jeans clad, office going, a bindas sort of girl. So I presumed she would be cognizant of Sajid’s nature and would help me in understanding him better and handling the situation discretely. But I did not understand her at all, and found out too late that I had chosen the wrong person as my confidant. As soon as I narrated my traumatic upheavals she accosted Sajid. That was the last nail in the coffin of my dead marriage. Sajid became a beast. One day I found out that I was once again pregnant, and I told Sajid. The reaction was a slap on my cheek. “Go and abort this child. Why do you have to bring into this world a child whom I have fathered? Suppose it also has a nature like me,” he jeered.
I could not take it anymore. As soon as he left for the office I packed my bags and left for my parents’ house.
My parents were shocked to see me at the door. I had not informed them and presumably Sajid had also not rung up to find out about me. My mother took me into her arms and I cried my heart out. But my father was skeptical. He would not believe that Sajid could be like that. On the other hand he thought I was a bit immature to handle the responsibilities of matrimony and motherhood.
For three days there was no call from Sajid. Eventually my mother rang him up. She invited him over to talk. He came two days later, was all apologetic, and promised my mother he would behave well, making me look like a spoilt child whom he adored. But in the evening, when he talked to my father, he made me look like an idiotic child who needed counselling rather than pampering. My father rebuked me there and asked me to grow up. He could not see the look Sajid gave me, of devilish victory. Had I resisted going back with him, I would have proved him right in my father’s eyes, so with a heavy heart yet a light of hope of reconciliation, I went back with Sajid. The entire family cold-shouldered me. I had brought a bad name to them by running away.
Fatima was born and she got to get into her father’s arms when someone would visit, otherwise she was left to her own fate. What a split personality Sajid had. I tried to talk to him and suggested a counselor. The reaction was as though I had proposed a straitjacket. There is a limit to everything, a last straw, and it was when Fatima, barely six months old, was crying. May be it was colic but she would just not sleep. Sajid got up and picked her up from the cradle and shook her up so badly that she nearly choked. It is a wonder that her neck did not break or her fragile ribs did not crack. I took her into my arms. She was too shocked to cry. She kept on moaning the whole night. Next morning, I once again left Sajid’s house and this time not behind his back but packed my bags right under his snooty nose. He did not try to stop me.
I do not know what’s in store for me. But this much I know: I do not want divorce because I love Sajid the Jekyll; I wish somehow the Hyde would die and my Sajid become an ordinary human being with normal desires.
I am not being weak in asking Sajid for a rethink but it is because I hate failures. I will try my best not to fail my marriage vows but take strong steps toward reconciliation - not for children, not for Sajid, and not even for myself, but for the sake of God, because God’s will was there in our union.
Neelmani J. Bhatia is a lecturer by profession in India. She loves to read and write and hopes to be an established published author. She wrote this story in the first-person about a friend, and all names have been changed.
Posted by Elizabeth Armstrong Moore on Monday, October 30th, 2006 | Email This PostThis entry was posted on Monday, October 30th, 2006 at 12:03 am. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
30 Responses to “A Divorce in India”
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October 30th, 2006 at 8:54 am
Really a moving story. Being an indian I know how much these married Indian try to bear with everything trying to save a useless marriage. Wish women could try to live with self respect and realize marriage is not everything
October 30th, 2006 at 12:24 pm
A married couple I once knew split apart because the decent, charming, intelligent, lovable husband was a Jekyll and Hyde character. He became tyrannical and abusive when on drugs. Even after the wife left, she held out hope that, with the help of those who knew him, he would change, and a reconciliation would be possible, because she, too, took her marriage vows very seriously.
Thank you — It is a universal story.
October 31st, 2006 at 10:14 pm
Thank you Neelmani for brinhing to forefront a woman’s largeheartedness. It is not weakness but strength of conviction that love is ultimate conquerer. I agree with Mr Thomas. It is a universal story. East or West, women can sacrifice a lot in the name of love
Zubaida
November 1st, 2006 at 9:09 pm
Yes you all are right in your conclusions.But is it not time that women STOP sacrificing and LIVE for themselves,cos there is only ONE LIFE TO LIVE
November 2nd, 2006 at 6:58 am
Nice Article. From Ancient period women were given respectable position and also named as ‘DEVI’ in India. But, this respectful status is a way to bound the women into social boundage…and that cause their weakness.
November 2nd, 2006 at 7:43 pm
Domestic violence harms society as a whole, men included, and not just in the eyes of God. We as women can try to fight it, but without the support of the male figures in our lives, attitudes will be slow to change.
Thank you for your story Neelmani. Your literary background, faith, and hope shine through.
Good ripples.
November 6th, 2006 at 7:50 am
Wow! What a moving story. A lot of Americans don’t feel as strong about marriage as who you wrote about, unfortunately. I do though. Marriage is very sacred and I treat it with respect and love. I’m blessed enough, however, to have a great marriage and 5 wonderful children. Life is hard enough as is without all the struggles that a lot of families go through no matter what nationality. I can’t imagine having to go through something so awful! My heart goes out to all of those that have marriages as such!
November 8th, 2006 at 10:08 am
Dear Neelmani, Although millions of people think we’re crazy to accept this, I totally understand you. Although I was never mistreated this much, I know what’s like to see your strength and self confidence being sucked away bit by bit. Suddenly, being intelligent and educated is a curse, not a blessing…It’s a shame, isn’t it?
Failure tastes bitter I know, but if God allowed divorce in Islam, it must be something, don’t you think?
Best Wishes,
Amira
November 18th, 2006 at 9:32 am
moving story. narration is good and i congratulate you and the author to bring forth the agony of a divorced-to-be girl. marriages may be made in heaven but they have to be lived on this earth. partners must give space and respect. love is not born naturally. it has to be cultivated and its time that husbands start understanding not their wives hearts desire but the desire of women’s heart because all wives are women first.
November 18th, 2006 at 11:10 am
The story is unfinished, with the woman in question still willing to put everything at stake just because it is God’s will? Is her life and that of her children not precious to her? I know for a fact that women return to their marital beds because they do not get shelter anywhere else, even their parents advise them to return to what is now their home. This is the biggest mistake. The woman suffers and suffers and most times she does not survive the torture. Education does not make you educated, as is visible in the personality of the husband. He is like the proverbial Indian male, who thinks that the subjugation of women is the only way to keep them under control. My suggestion is that the woman whose story it is try to find some place where she can get shelter and build a new life for herself. To try and hope for change within such a marriage is stupidity.
November 19th, 2006 at 9:02 am
Please accept my sincere thanks all of you who have taken time to read, ponder and post your comments. As the story is real I could not do anything to make a better ending but dear Abha, your advice or rather best wishes helped the girl take a decision. She is filing for divorce, yes SHE as he did not take the initiative for reconciliation she decided that she should take reins in her own hands and has moved back to her parental home where her parents are all supportive. She has taken up MBA course and God willing will be happy hereafter. Both children are with her. The father says that he will not contest for custody of children as that might hamper his chance for second marriage!!Thanks once again
November 24th, 2006 at 7:33 am
Really a wise decision.But struggling for such a long time,raising children seems,far too much of compromise.The symptoms could have been diagnosed and decision taken.
November 25th, 2006 at 4:57 am
It’s amazing to see men behave like this … and hey … the man thinks that he ll marry again. i’ll leave this one open to all - We all mess up and we all make mistakes but somewhere don’t we all know where we went wrong. Education has nothing to do with the Bekeleys and Harvards, but more to do with how we act in ouir daily life. perhaps a lil on the tangent, but men and women who mess up the the first time should either change thier behaivour or else remain single and not mess up someone else’s life!
November 29th, 2006 at 4:44 am
The story really touches the deep corners of the heart. Being an Indian, I have myself seen so many cases of Divorces. The end of the story where the proganist talks of the probable wish of God in uniting the two souls leaves a lot for the readers to ponder over.
A girl in Indian society till marriage is in the custody of father and brothers and after marriage the master is her Husband. The scene is changing but as fast as the changes in life stlyes.
It is for all the parents to note that they need not unburden themselves by giving the Girl to anyone. Why don’t they consider that more than money it is important that the couple is good match for each other be it monetary status, age, appearance etc. Its a well known fact that generally for a relationship to be strong it must stand on some common platform. Well I don’t include exceptional cases when I say this. Overall an interesting story potraying emotions to the finest.
November 29th, 2006 at 5:48 am
this is very sad, im happy to hear she is moving on
fatima says ‘’there is only ONE LIFE TO LIVE”, ….. don’t be so sure
December 1st, 2006 at 3:56 pm
This is a very well narrated story, the thoughts and feelings of the woman are described really touching, making the reader feel the pain within the woman, her fight to save the marriage but also showing that sometimes there is nothing that can be done to improve the situation despite all efforts. It is one of the cases where a divorce is justified. It is better for all: the children will have a chance to grow up in an atmosphere with less tension all around; for the man, who in fact is not fit for marriage. I feel sorry for him; he does not know and does not understand his own behavior. He might be educated maybe in his profession, but certainly not in humanity. He will never be fit for marriage; his next wife will only experience the same or even worse. Most probably as a result of the way he was brought up, pampered and spoiled, already from childhood onwards. –Mothers should not pamper their sons too much (and certainly not differently from daughters) as this way they will sow the seeds of a possible less understanding husband.
Divorce will also be better for the woman. I admire her efforts (the I-character), that she did not give up her marriage so easily, she really tried her very best to make the most out of it. This is something one cannot say of marriages always, often one sees couples marrying too soon, just out of so called love feelings. Once the butterflies have gone the partners wander to another person and break up the marriage so easily.
Therefore a marriage should not take place quickly and based on feelings only or money, there should be a very good mutual understanding, a lifelong friendship.
Neelmani thank you for writing such a touching drawn from real life story, very well written
Helena, The Netherlands
December 4th, 2006 at 3:04 am
If this story is true, then its shocking……she dosent like failures…ha!!!!She is already a failure as she was unable to stand up for herself at the right time….Its so difficult to believe a human being could make such a dog of herself…..and she calls herself educated. the guy has got serious problem ….he needs to be dumped as soon as the problem was realized……noooo….she had to wait and bear his kids too…and now she says she dosent want divorce…..my God …..this womans a blemish in the name of womankind.
December 7th, 2006 at 8:59 am
It is sad today that in any country in our world, a woman is treated this way by her husband, or that a father would favor his son- in-law over his daughter. Marriage is not sacred to all people unfortunately, and a woman must put her children and herself first in a situation like this. It sounds like she will be much better off without him, and that the children certainly will be no worse off if he isn\’t in their lives every day either. People should not depend on others for their sole happiness, but treat themselves with the respect we all deserve. When a person marries someone he/she doesn\’t really know, and assumes that everything will be all right, they may be making a tragic mistake.
December 8th, 2006 at 9:57 pm
I personally feel that you should stay with her parents. If your husband really cared for your children he will surely come back to you and take them back with him after a period of time. When couple stay separately they only need to sort out problems between them. Try living with your husband in a separate house to see whether situations improve .In India joint family is common practice and most of the problems are created by in laws. If he had not loved you and his children there is no point in living together. You should go in for divorce and get legal maintenance as per your religious law. It will be impossible to change your husband’s character. Since you are a workingwoman you should be able to raise your children difficulty.
jiji.
read my blog.www.daxdigital.blogspot.com alien !
December 20th, 2006 at 11:57 pm
Most of us INdian women get married out of social & familly compulsions.we are not love driven but rather conditioned to marry & then love our husbands unconditionaly.In some cases it works out but in certain cases, like this one particularly shaky marriage , there is little chance of improvement. If an infected part of your body threatens your life,you remove it from your body & survive.If you dont remove it , it consumes & distroyes you. you are born in this world to learn your lessons, and become a better human being. You have finished one chapter of your life & started another one, may god give you the strength to emerge stronger & wiser from your ordeal & help others who are in similar and worse situations.
March 21st, 2007 at 6:07 pm
Its time that the men in indian society change their prespective towards women.
India is a male dominated society, also the culture in india is different, the girl child is not treated equal as a boy child because of the custom that when she is married she will have to stay ein a different house and she must feel that as her home.. and also.. the boy child is treated well because it is assumed that he will be looking after the parents in their old age.
Its sad that we make descrimination based on the sex.
I believe that the author has brought this story to all of our attention, but where does this lead to.. just a blog.. it sometimes sad that we cannot do anything but just read the articles.. most of the people are hipocrates..
January 7th, 2008 at 7:12 pm
Congratulations Neelmani, for deciding to leave. I\’m sure you have heard of shaken baby syndrome. Your husband could have killed your daughter that night.
Thank God she is OK, and please know that you are doing the right thing by protecting your children.
March 4th, 2008 at 3:26 pm
I am very moved by this story. It is sad and repeated in many homes and all cultures. I too believed that marriage was sacred and blessed by God. However, my exhusband did not. Of all the problems that I ever imagined I might have in life after I married, divorce was never one of them. I am now taking things in my own hands and Neelmani, please let the woman know that one day, she will be astonished by her strength and success and wonder why she tried so hard when he clearly was ‘gone’ from the marriage at the start. I wish you a fine journey of growth!
March 15th, 2008 at 6:13 pm
I am choked at the sentiments of Neelmani, I feel like going and rescuing her myself. After being married for 25 years and in my early 40s, I am divorcing the psycho now. I too believed in everything she described, but psycho is psycho. It took me 25 years to say I am worthy and have an identity. My hats of to Andrea, a women strength success is yet to be acknowledged. I am ashamed at the Indian mothers, sisters, wifes sisterinlaws, who are we if we don’t value our breath. I have always been an advocate for women always helping but I did not help me. I have 2 beautiful children, 17 and 13, this is not their fault, I have to clean up this mess and show our existence has a cause not to be destroyed by any lowlife, Koodos to a new life.
April 12th, 2008 at 9:56 pm
I, too, recently faced this decision, though the abuse was of a verbal not physical nature. There is life after divorce, albeit one that is wary of future partners having been burned so badly once.
Thank you, Neelmani, for sharing your friend’s story. I wish her all the best on her path to recovery from living in such terror.
April 16th, 2008 at 2:10 am
This story grabbed me straight away. It invoked feelings of emotion and I managed to climb into the writers mind. I come from a country where men believe they have power over women and as a result women are often mistreated.
I also come from a broken home and as much as this woman does not like failure, she needs to think about what this is doing to her children. Will her son grow up thinking that this is indeed the way a woman is to be treated? Will her daughter grow up, enter a marriage and take the beating and emotional abuse because in her mind, this is just how it is?
Sometimes failure is not just resulted to how you live your life, but how you influence the lives of others.
April 18th, 2008 at 5:57 pm
Thanks for this story, I am going to something similar emotionally, and must say, you have a way with words. You really described a woman’s point of view and strength with regards to making a marriage work. I am glad that your friend’s family is supportive, as I get my strenght from my family who is being very supportive right now.
June 3rd, 2008 at 9:54 pm
Thanks for the story. I am just going through a similar situation, contemplating the thought of divorce. My problems are not as severe as what is mentioned here; but I doubt if there is love in my marriage. It looks like it is for convenience and certain status in the society. I don’t know what future has in store for me; just wanted to let others know this is not the story of 1 person or 2; a lot of households will have the same story to tell, few choosing to tell it out.
July 14th, 2008 at 8:30 am
I too am moved by the woman’s plight. However this is just one side of the story. Women can be as self centered as men. What goes for the goose goes for the gander too. So portaying women as victims of divorces or marital situations is not correct. The pathos of the story stands out because of adverse social fabric of society not because of the divorce per se. If the end result of a divorce were a happier situation for the male and female would that be ok then? So logically speaking a divorce is only a separation between male and female and the end result of happiness and sadness is a fallout of the social situation not the divorce.
October 22nd, 2008 at 6:51 am
Even i am going through the same situation ,but in india familes are too complex some times.I am staying with my husband from last 2 years but from the first day till now i dont feel like i am marrid i simply want to divorce him as we are nor happy with each other many time he force me to have baby but i dont like ti have child with that guy.Simply want to live live alone..
Chaynika katyal delhi