March 1998, Charleston, South Carolina

By KD

Growing up in a remote little town in the Southwest, I remember being called into the ministry as a young child and I loved God before I even really understood the fullness of who God is.

I can recall a period in my childhood when all of my friends began referring to me as “the preacher.” I was dubbed this nickname because you could always find me quoting scripture or giving the locals biblical advice on the street or at the market. Back then I hated to be called “the preacher,” because some kids who weren’t my friends would tease me and ask me if I wanted an offer when I was done speaking. However, I remained steadfast in my faith in God and continued in what God had called me to do.

As I grew and matured I became very active in the church and in the community and received many community awards and acknowledgements for my efforts with ministering to troubled teens, as well as my work with cancer patients. I remained loyal to my community and local ministry and on the surface all appeared to be well with my life as wife, mother, and woman of God.

However, there was something hidden that taunted me day and night. Initially, I found it hard to admit to myself that I was indeed hiding a secret, but it was a fact: I was addicted to telephone sex chat lines.

How could this have happened to me? After all, I was a highly regarded married woman of God. It was a dark time in my life and it had become such an obsession that sometimes I found myself hiding in the bathroom or in my dressing room closet, with my cell phone in hand and a telephone number in the other hand. I remember the thrill and excitement that would rise up on the inside of me with the prospect of staying up until dawn seeking to have multiple erotic telephone conversations with complete strangers.

How and where did this obsession begin? My mind goes back 5 years ago when I decided it would be a good idea to manipulate my then emotionally and sexually bankrupt husband into paying more attention to my sexual desires.

In the early years of our marriage, my husband and I enjoyed a very active sexual life, but somewhere down the line I began to notice a decline in his sexual appetite and an increase in mine. I was beginning to crave more and more sex and unfortunately my husband would not give into my demands. This made me feel anxious, and I began thinking very irrationally. I wanted to make my husband think I was looking elsewhere to be sexually fulfilled.

In my twisted state of mind, I concocted a plan that I just knew would get my husband’s attention. I loved him dearly and would never consider having an actual physical affair with another, so I came up with a plan to use telephone sex chat lines in order to make him jealous. Since I had no knowledge of telephone sex chat lines, I did a little research on the Internet and found one that was free of charge to use. I wrote down the number and kept it in my drawer because I didn’t actually know when I would put this plan in to action.

One evening when I knew my husband would be working late, I thought this would be the perfect opportunity to activate my plan. I was just finishing dinner when I heard his car coming into the garage. I immediately ran and grabbed the elicit telephone number from my drawer. With number in hand, I dialed the chat line and listened for a few seconds and then proceeded to hang up the line after I knew my husband was already inside the house.

Due to his military background in investigations and surveillance, I just knew he would redial and check the telephone number once I left the room. So I greeted him and told him I had to finish up dinner; to my dismay after only seconds he simply put his briefcase down and followed me into the kitchen and said, “What’s for dinner”?

Daily I grew more and more restless with my current dilemma. I was so frustrated that I thought to myself, “What can it hurt to actually call one of these chat lines?” One evening when my husband was working late I decided after much debate to call one of these sex chat lines and see what they had to offer.

Something that began as a farce soon developed into a habit and then quickly became an obsession. In the beginning, I would call these chat lines and not speak to anyone but just listen to various voice messages. When I got up enough courage I began leaving general messages. Soon I began leaving very provocative messages on voicemails, giving detailed descriptions of my measurements and requesting explicit telephone sex. Although I would receive multiple requests to connect live with me, I always decline the invitations.

I would indulge in this hidden shame during the week and on Sundays, while teaching and preaching the Gospel. I would find myself in prayer at church and crying out from the depths of my soul to God for deliverance from this shame. The obsession was so great to the point I would actually convince myself that this hidden shame was harmless since I wasn’t physically cheating on my husband. I had deluded myself into justifying what I was doing therefore; my obsession grew to new heights.

In the coming weeks, my husband began traveling out of town, so I had the entire house to myself for days at a time. One evening after voice messaging back and forth with one man in particular, there was something about his voice that just made my knees weak. I could no longer resist and my passion overtook my fear and I accepted his request for a live chat.

It was awkward at first, but once I got over my fear I transformed into a different person. My boundaries were removed and I felt very comfortable and even empowered as I explicitly described to this man what sexual acts I wanted him to perform on me. I found myself getting more pleasure out of arousing him than him arousing me. I engaged in this erotic telephone conversation for about 30 minutes and we both came to an explosive climax. It was like a natural high. I found myself wanting more and more. It was such a contradiction in what I believed as a Christian and how my life was perceived by the outside world.

I would often pray and fast and command myself to get back in line with God and His word and His plan for my life. While I went through my periods of consecration I would be OK and go for weeks without indulging in my hidden shame. However, when I would find myself stressed out and my husband gone, I would feel that strong urge, that passion and desire rising up in me and pulling at me and calling to me. Once again, I got so involved with this obsession that I began setting the atmosphere with candles, lotions, and oils. I even dimmed the lights to get ready for my marathon night of telephone erotica.

This went on for some time until my husband asked me to lunch one afternoon and exposed the fact that he heard me on the telephone one evening and he knew what I was engaged in. I was crushed and felt shame and horror simultaneously. I loved my husband and I felt as though I deeply wounded him; he went on to describe how low he felt as a man because of what I had done. It wasn’t until that very moment that I realized just how much I did love my husband and the fact that I didn’t want to lose him. I tearfully asked him for his forgiveness and he graciously accepted.

That has been some years ago and, after extensive couple’s therapy and God’s grace, I not only got back my husband, I got back my life. My husband and I are more in love than ever and there is no more hidden shame. When I think of what my life would have become if I had remained in my former state, it makes me shudder. Sexual addiction is just as devastating as any other addiction, so I am taking it one day at a time, with one prayer at a time.

KD is a freelance writer currently producing for Associated Content and Newsvine. KD is looking forward to publishing her first novel in the fall of 2007.

Posted by Elizabeth Armstrong Moore on Wednesday, November 29th, 2006 | Email This Post

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