Fear the Food
January 2005, Los Angeles, California
By Lori Culwell
Sunday brunch at Gladstone’s in Malibu. Ocean view, good friends. What could be better? It does smell vaguely fishy, which I’m not thrilled about, but I resolve that this time, I’m not going to make a big deal. I order coffee like everyone else.
Then it happens. The waitress, a wide-eyed 20-year-old straight from Amishtown, PA, sets down a small ceramic bowl full of those individual buckets of creamer. I pick one up, examining it carefully. It says, “Refrigeration Required,” yet the container is suspiciously warm. I start to sweat.
I can no longer participate in the brunch conversation. What should I do? Should I tell the waitress that the creamer is warm, and that under no circumstances is it going in my coffee? Should I just suck it up and use the warm creamer?
I try to walk through this option in my mind. What if it’s clumpy? I might not be able to even stay for the rest of brunch at that point, but I can’t risk food poisoning just to save face. I’m trying to decide which option makes me seem the least nuts when she comes back.
“Ready to order?”
“Sure, I’d like eggs, scrambled well, bacon, well done, and wheat toast. No butter. Oh, and … can you bring cold milk for the coffee?
“There’s creamer right there.”
She’s going to “out” me. I can just feel it.
“Yeah, I’d prefer milk. Non-fat if you have it.” I duck and cover by using the “obsessed with weight” ploy so popular among girls in Los Angeles.
“Oh, OK.”
Whatever. Better that she think I have some eating disorder than know my real secret. My friends proceed with ordering things like poached eggs (good Lord — they’re almost raw!), crab cakes and eggs (not on your life), and one of them even uses several of the creamers, all the while chatting amiably. How can they be so nonchalant?
By now it might be clear: I have what, in some circles, might be called “a problem with food.” In other words, it’s possible that I did consider “The Aviator” more of an informative documentary than most. And while I do make an effort to eat with my friends like a normal person, this phobia is never far from my thoughts.
It’s not exactly unreasonable — I mean, other people are afraid of things like heights and spiders. I’m afraid of something that is real, and can hurt you if you’re not careful. But until you cultivate this phobia, think about it, nurture it, you don’t really know how many potential potholes are out there in your culinary life.
Honestly, I don’t understand how this is not a more popular phobia. Personally, I cannot think of anything worse than a horrible bout of food poisoning, so much so that the mere site of questionable egg salad or mayonnaise can reduce me to secret tears. The “deli buffet” style restaurant so popular in New York City is a veritable cornucopia of pre-prepared food that threatens me with its congealed edges and protective skin from sitting out all day. Picnic food? Forget about it. Clams of any kind? Don’t make me laugh.
I’ve been working on this phobia for so long, it has its own set of rules. I will share it with you now.
1. No seafood more than 50 miles from a major body of water. I’m sorry, but if you have the greatest seafood restaurant in all of Oklahoma, you will not be seeing me.
2. No street food. This one makes me sound crazy until you realize that I once saw a hot dog vendor in Central Park warming his hands in the hot dog water. Possible exceptions to this rule can be made for bread-related products, like donuts and pretzels.
3. No mayo. Of any kind. Ever. The chance of it being bad are just too high. This is one rule that’s also going to keep me thin and free of heart disease.
4. No leftovers. Make no mistake: If I take food home and 24 hours passes, I will regard said food as containing The Plague.
5. No clams, no mussels, no oysters. This one has no basis in logic. I think I’ve just heard the words “I ate bad clams” too many times.
6. No refrigerated food from vending machines. Come on. Just … come on.
7. No food from places like 7-11, or gas stations. Places that sell gas and cigarettes should not also sell sushi. If you eat at one of these places and you get sick, I will laugh at you.
8. No bar peanuts. This one is newly added, thanks to “Along Came Polly.” Thanks Ben Stiller!
9. Expiration dates on food are to be considered The Law. If the date on the milk is Jan. 3, and it’s midnight on Jan. 4, I will not be drinking that milk. Even with the expiration dates, extensive smelling and reading of labels goes on before I will drink something out of a carton.
10. No egg salad. No tuna salad. No chicken salad. No crab salad. No potato salad. No miscellaneous seafood salad. In fact, no “salad” that doesn’t contain greens.
So, how do you hide an obsession of this magnitude? Well really, this is one of those highly-functional obsessive compulsive problems. You could be friends with me a long time, and just think I was a really healthy eater. I have also (not infrequently) impersonated a vegan, to avoid questionable eggs, meat, or dairy. It’s not like I need rubber gloves or a mask or anything. It’s just that I would rather not eat than eat something questionable, like warm creamer.
Here’s the thing, though. I don’t want to change. I don’t want help for this “problem.” What if being food obsessive is keeping me healthier than almost everyone else I know? Why would I want to be “cured,” when being “better” would actually make me worse? I ask you: How can something that keeps you healthy be so wrong?
Here’s a tip: If you see me at a picnic, I will be the one not eating the potato salad.
Lori Culwell writes about trends, current events, and the celebrity scene for several magazines. Her debut novel, Hollywood Car Wash, is available on Amazon.
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15 Responses to “Fear the Food”
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March 19th, 2007 at 10:32 am
Sounds like good sense to me!
March 19th, 2007 at 5:39 pm
Phobias,or no phobias,that is the question.there is nothing wrong with a phobia,Mine is ferris wheels and rides that put you it the air.Mine were brought on by a ride crashing and a ride that left me stuck in the air and the person trying to see how far the car could be rocked.
So there fore I don’t go to the carnivals for the rides,I go there for the so-called food.
March 20th, 2007 at 5:16 pm
OH MAN I had no idea that there was another person out there like me! BUT YOU’RE IT!! Very few people know about my fear of food, and I hide it very well. I hadn’t even really considered it a phobia until I read your story and realized I agree with you on every point, and do the very same thing. My boyfriend thinks it’s hilarious- but he eats things off the floor and milk that’s two weeks old but still….
March 21st, 2007 at 10:37 pm
I feel exactly the same way!
My entire family thinks I\\\’m paranoid and laugh at me, I have heard all the jokes.
My friends don\\\’t know the extent of my obession…
I think about it everyday and avoid many foods because of it.
Everytime I eat…I wait for the symptoms to appear…many times they do, most times…not.
I really don\\\’t know how to conquer this…but I am sure it will work itself out someday! Maybe it\\\’s a healthy obession??
March 22nd, 2007 at 1:52 pm
I am with you all the way girl! You are definitely not alone. Mayo has to be one of the most disgusting condiments known to man. Do you see what happens to it after sitting in the sun a few minutes? Really, I hate mayo because when I was 16 I had a 2 part mayo to 1 part tuna fish sandwich. It tasted good while I was eating it. Afterwards is a different story. I couldnt get that distinct taste of mayo out of my mouth. It was so gross I threw up. Never touched the stuff since and refuse. Oh and the expiration date thing is totally understandable. When I was a kid, late for school I ate a bagel with cream cheese. It tasted funny. When I got home and was not rushed I looked at the cream cheese and it was growing hair. Ugh! No dairy enters this mouth unless its fresh. Thank you for sharing.
March 23rd, 2007 at 1:23 am
You are right — following expiration dates should be “The Law”. Your Rule 9 cracked me up, because I’m exactly the same way. If it’s midnight on the day something expires, it goes straight into the garbage.
And Rule 6 should be any food from vending machines, not just refrigerated ones. I had small, white worms in a KitKat bar I got out of a maching in 1996 — I haven’t put money into once since.
July 2nd, 2007 at 12:48 pm
Oh wow, it fills me with such relief to read this! Of course I stumbled accross this trawling the web for “raw fish related food poisoning” - we just ate haddock fishcakes for dinner and as I got to the middle of mine it wasn’t cooked. I had only eaten the outside, which was, but now I’m obviously sitting here totally paralysed with fear that I’m going to get food poisoning tonight… my mum’s been all like “you can eat raw fish, it’s called Sushi, they eat it all the time in Japan - you didn’t even eat any of the slightly uncooked bit, you’ll be FINE!” but of course I’m still terrified.
How the hell do people eat things past their sell by? My parents tut at me if I throw ham away that’s past it… the thing I hate most is hiding it from people, the way they think you’re just a freak or a drama queen.
I just stick to really plain foods. Little dairy, little “weird” meat (just plain chicken if I have to, thanks), plain crisps, crackers, potatoes. You know the score. I’m so glad I read this… now I’m going to go off and spend all night worrying that I’m going to get sick off this fish!
November 15th, 2007 at 9:44 am
Im 17 and have had this exact fear since i was 15 when i got food poisoning in bali, worse 2 or 3 days of my life, your rules are great [but i love mayo!
]anyways i was just wondering if anyone knew the proper name for this phoiba, like how fear of food is Sitophobia, whats fear of food poisoning?
-Thanks!
November 16th, 2007 at 8:27 pm
I definitely agree with rule #9. At work, I’ll even throw out someone else’s yogurt if it’s more than a few days past the date, b/c they certainly can’t be planning on eating it then! I don’t like to even drink milk the day of its expiration date. Expiration dates are my only strict food rule, however.
January 13th, 2008 at 9:03 pm
wow, i looked this up on google because i just started freaking out about my food a few weeks ago and finally realized it might be serious. i’m relieved to see there are other people with the same problem. it started at my grandmothers: she doesn’t throw anything out. then at a friends house i found a worm in my soup. then at a restaurant i crunched on something that shouldn’t have crunched. now i inspect my food and get more and more nauseous the longer i eat. by the end of a meal (or when i end it) i’m practically in tears.
March 4th, 2008 at 10:53 am
OMG, i did not know this was not only happening to me…..is there a name for this phobia….cause i want it gone! i feel so bad not to be able to share the talbe with my family because i am afraid of getting sick…..
If i am not completely sure of the food being fresh, i don’t eat it…i wait until my husband is finished and if he feels fine after 30 min. then maybe i will eat.
I hate this….i can’t eat in a party….hollidays are a nightmare.
March 5th, 2008 at 6:13 am
For the last 6 years I have gradually got worse with OCD. However, recently - I have been questioning myself and thinking it is a phobia…is this the same thing? I don\’t know, but unlike the original poster…I do want to get better. In fact I am desperate to get better. This \”phobia of food\” is ruining my life and making cooking a complete nightmare. I am not only worried about myself getting food poisoning but more importantly I am petrified of giving it to my kids. So infact the problem has got worse as I constantly wash my hands when cooking! My poor husband is very patient but I know it is extremely difficult for him. I have tried Hypnosis, CBT and other councilling but none of them helped long term. I have been back to the doctors get get some happy pills because I know I need to help myself in some way….. The antidepressants are certainly not going to cure me though….but what will? Docs have no time for you and I know what caused mine so councilling won\’t help (I have discussed too many times and bored of talking about it!!!) I have tried so many things - CBT was probably the best but the person doing it with you needs to understand your phobia first. Good luck to all and take care food folk!
April 5th, 2008 at 9:04 pm
I logged on because I am trying to find answers for my very thin 12-year-old son. He is becoming increasingly picky about food. He eats so few foods and such tiny portions that he has to eat many times a day just to keep going. I believe he fears food. He laughs and says I am trying to poison him. He checks expiration dates on everything. Would anybody have any good advice on how to head this off before it gets worse?
April 7th, 2008 at 10:46 pm
Oh gosh ! it feels so great to finally know i’m not alone. everything you mentioned made a whole lot of sense, because I, myself, know what that feels like. It’s horrible when your friends invite you out for dinner and they’re all eating without a second thought and you’re sitting there, going over and over in your mind, that this will make you sick, in just a few hours you’ll be sick because the chicken’s not cooked thorougly and the cheese hasn’t been properly refrigerated. I now know i’m not alone. thank you so much Lori for posting this it’s so great to read from somoeone who actually goes thru the same thing. just the other day my friend put frozen pastries with ricotta cheese in the oven but after i ate one she said it tasted tangy and she said she put the box in the fridge instead of the freezer and on the box it said keep under -18 c degrrees. Imediately warning signals went o off in my head and i started panicking and really freaking out. i was counting down the hours for when food poisoning usually hits..usually around 5-7 hours but luckily i was fine. but thanks again for posting this Lori. you have no idea how good it feels to know your not alone.
April 20th, 2008 at 6:57 pm
OMG .. I am literally crying.. I cant believe that there are others like me… OMG. I was strickned with this 8 years ago. My husband and 2 small sons were having dinner and withinthe night we were violently ill. The children me husband all throwing up. Supposivly the doctors said ROTO VIRUS> But I do not know. this is so dumb. It plagues me every day .. every moment. I am in hell. NO ONE WANTS TO HELP OR CARES. to everyone I am ( the sigh ‘weirdo. ” ) I worry everyday will I be sick like I was that weekend. we never figured it out .. and I have post tramatic stress disorder over it. I am scared every place I travel what if I have to puke .. or what if I get that sick. I wash my hands all day and my kids are not allowed to touch the game controllers in Wal mart. I panic when I go out to get a sandwich made and they dont change gloves.. thats happened. go back get another one. I catn eat at certian resturaunts… I have this urge to eat a lot of peanut butter sandwhiches. which is also weird. Education on food prep is the best cure. But also when life gets rough … the food issues suck.. But do most of you DREAD GOING TO BED.. I do because I always puke in the middle of the night. This is a night mare that I want to be free of . I have tried to get help but people laugh and its a painful shameful thing.. every else enjoys the food and I am afraid of stuff people make and sever and certian resturaunts. HELP ME >>> I cant take this much more.