December 2004, Royal Caribbean Ship “Legend of the Seas,” Panama Canal cruise

By Randall Shirley (pictured, left)

I never imagined I’d reveal the most unusual place I’ve had sex in front of 800 straight people. And they weren’t exactly PFLAG parents. Many of them came from “red” states.

But with the cruise director’s microphone in my face and the stage lights in my eyes, I found myself saying “the most interesting place I’ve made whoopee was in the middle of Utah, next to a natural hot spring, in broad daylight, just off I-15.”

I’m sure I heard a groan or two. Few passengers on our Royal Caribbean cruise through the Panama Canal had planned to think about gay sex during the evening’s main stage show, Love & Marriage. But there’s little doubt they all had some sort of visual of Kevin and me humping like bunnies in the desert.

I’m quite sure they hadn’t expected to see two men kiss on stage, either. But they did.

The show was based on the classic Newlywed Game. The other two contestant couples were the most recently wed (two weeks) and the longest married (57 years). The third couple was chosen by audience popularity. If you wanted to participate, you stood up, did a little dance, and shouted, “We want to play this game.”

Moments before standing up, Kevin slumped deep into his seat, started to hyperventilate, and said, “I can’t do this.” I stood, pulled him up, and said, “We’re gonna dance like crazy, get on stage, and win this game!”

Nine straight couples stood up. We stood up. And after several rounds of elimination based on audience popularity, it was clear: The majority of folks wanted the poofters on stage. Up we went. Thank god we were both wearing Banana Republic. We looked smashing. Sweat was pouring from Kevin’s brow. I’ve always been much more comfortable about being publicly gay.

I must admit I suddenly had my own self-doubts. After all, this was a very mainstream cruise line. But then again, their tag line is “Get Out There.” We were just doing as we were told.

The cruise director did introductions with each couple, and admitted that in her many years at sea, we were a first.

She asked the “women” to go backstage to a soundproof room. Kevin sprang from his seat — to howls of laughter. This was no commentary on our preferences, it was simply a way for him to get out of the spotlight and gain some composure.

The “men” were then asked a series of questions, and when our spouses returned to the stage they tried to match our answers.

1. Who in Kevin’s immediately family would I least like to be stranded on a deserted island with?

2. Where is the most unusual place the two of you have ever made whoopee?

3. How would you describe Kevin’s cooking?

The whoopee question was certainly the most interesting, and not because of the gay couple’s answers. We turned out to be pretty tame compared to the newlyweds who had done it in just about every public and private place they could find — rental cars, his office, the front lawn. Apparently she gave it up long before the wedding night.

Everyone had a good laugh. But several thousand people — we later learned the show was repeatedly broadcast on shipboard TV — got to see just how normal a gay couple is. They learned that we are a part of each other’s families. They learned that Kevin is an amazing cook. They learned that the first thing I do in the morning is make his breakfast, not grab his ass (his answer). They learned that I was first attracted to his beautiful blue eyes. They learned that we’re really no different from them.

Suddenly, we were the most popular people on the ship. Days later, little old ladies were still asking Kevin if they can come for dinner at our house. An elderly straight guy was telling us how proud he is of his gay son. A closeted 40-year-old from the Midwest, traveling with his parents, admitted that he’s thinking more seriously about coming out. And the other gay couples we’d befriended on the ship were absolutely beaming.

The cruise director told me she hopes to see more gay couples openly participate in such events. She also told me she received a huge number of positive comments about the game, and not a single negative.

In the middle of ongoing battles over gay marriage and other rights, we proudly stood in front of thousands of strangers and said: We’re here, we’re queer, and frankly, we’re just like you. We simply claimed our right to participate.

They called the game a three-way tie and gave each couple a bottle of champagne. But in front of several thousand straight people, we won a game of an entirely different kind. The game of “Get Out There.”

Full-time writer Randall Shirley lives in Vancouver, B.C., one of the world’s best “out there” places, where he watches the cruise ships all summer and dreams about them all winter. Learn more at www.randallshirley.com.

Posted by Elizabeth Armstrong Moore on Friday, March 30th, 2007 | Email This Post

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