1990s, Ohio

By Bonnie Landis

On a cold winter day, Lena left her husband. They had been married for nearly 20 years. She didn’t take much, just one suitcase full of as many clothes as she could jam into it. She did it while he was at work. She told no one.

When her husband came home and couldn’t find her, he worriedly began calling everyone.

“Is Lena there? No? Do you know where she is? If you see her tell her, I’m looking for her.” He spent hours on the phone, and when that yielded no clues, he drove all around our town looking for her car. There was no sign of Lena.

By the end of the second day that Lena was missing, I was ready to call the police. Just before I could, our phone rang. Relief washed through me when I heard Lena’s voice. She called to tell me that she had left Tom, and was staying with someone that she had gone to school with. His name was Eddie.

“I just needed a place to stay until I get on my feet. Really, there’s nothing going on between us. He’s just helping me out.”

She sounded like she was trying to convince herself as well as me. Immediately I offered her a place with us as long as she needed. Lena politely refused, adding that she was glad to have such good friends. Apparently most of her friends, as well as family, had extended the same invitation. She had turned all of us down in favor of a man none of us knew.

Needless to say, everyone was outraged. How could she leave her husband of so many years, just like that? Poor Tom! What had he done to deserve this treatment?

Of course we all rallied around him. Tom was heartbroken and very angry. All he could talk about was how much he loved Lena, and how much he hated Eddie. He swung from tears to fits of rage that included putting his fist through a wall. He also began to drink.

It was no secret that Tom was a big drinker. What we didn’t know was how big. He started to spend every day drunk. He stopped going to work. He stopped bathing and eating. We were all scared about what was happening to him. We begged Lena to talk to him.

“Please Lena. We’ve never seen him like this. We’re afraid he’s going to kill himself.” Lena coldly refused to see him.

How dare she turn her back on him! After all, hadn’t he been a good husband, providing her with a nice house, vacations, and a new car every two years? What more did this woman want? I decided to visit her in the apartment that she was sharing with Eddie. Maybe I could talk some sense into her. If not, I might at least have a better understanding of why she wanted to live with him.

After my visit, I was even more confused. The apartment was awful. Roaches, suspicious stains, and smells of unknown origin overwhelmed me when I walked through the door. Lena apologized for the condition of the apartment. She explained that a government disability check was Eddie’s only source of income.

What on earth did she see in this guy? Did she think there was a future with him? And why had she forbidden anyone from telling Tom where the apartment was? As the questions grew, so did my anger with Lena. It only took two weeks for my questions to be answered. Explosively.

It was a snowy afternoon when I received the phone call that Tom was in jail, and Lena and Eddie were in the hospital. I didn’t have to be a mathematician to put two and two together. I made it to the hospital in record time. I will never forget how Lena looked, or the shame I felt. How could I not have known? Why didn’t I see Tom’s drinking for what it was? How had I missed the pain in Lena’s eyes?

The good news was that she was being released. Her blackened eyes and split lip would heal. I hoped that her spirit would as well. Eddie wasn’t as lucky. He was no match for a healthy man who was too drunk to feel any pain. A broken rib, collapsed lung, and lacerated face were his reward for trying to protect Lena.

Even though I hadn’t yet met the man, I was well aware of the horrible thoughts that I had harbored against him. I’m ashamed to admit that I couldn’t face him in the hospital. I knew that I wouldn’t be able to look him in the eyes.

I bundled Lena up and put her in the car. I cried all the way home. She sat quietly with her head bowed, picking at a thread hanging from her coat. At home, I started a pot of coffee. As we sat sipping the steaming brew, Lena opened up. She began by telling me that the abuse had started even before they were married.

They had only been dating for a few weeks the first time there was trouble. They were in line to buy tickets for a movie. Since the show was about to start, Lena told Tom she would go buy the snacks while he bought the tickets.

As she began to walk away, Tom grabbed her arm and roughly pulled her back to his side. Startled, she looked up at him and was shocked at how angry he appeared. He told her that when they were out together, she should stay with him at all times. Then he softened his voice and told her it was dangerous for a woman to go anywhere alone. His rough manner scared her, and she became afraid to anger him in any way after that.

Within a couple of months, she had agreed to marry him. Soon after that came a child, and before she knew it, she was stuck in a relationship that became more abusive with each year that passed. He started by just being intimidating, then came pushing and shoving. About two years into the marriage, he hit her for the first time.

It was an open hand slap that happened after he had spent an afternoon drinking with his buddies. But it soon progressed to punches that left her bruised and scared for her life.

I asked her why she stayed. She told me that he had used their child as a way of controlling her. If she told him that she was going to leave him, he would threaten her with never seeing her son again. It was more than enough to keep her there. His verbal abuse over the years had convinced her that she was a weak, stupid woman. She felt powerless, and scared for her son. It was this fear that had kept her there.

Listening to Lena, I began to remember the bruises and injuries she’d had over the years. It was my turn to feel like a stupid woman. I still don’t know how I could have known these two people so well and yet have no idea that such abuse was taking place.

I asked her how she had finally worked up the nerve to leave. She said that now that their son had gone off to college, she no longer feared for him. She was willing to risk herself in order to get away.

So why didn’t she ask for help? Her answer was simple: fear. It was a fear so great that it kept her for nearly 20 years in a hellish nightmare. Lena didn’t feel like she had any options.

I now know that this is one of the biggest obstacles for women in abusive relationships. They don’t see that they have a way out. Police officers, who respond to domestic disputes, leave all the information an abused woman needs to get away from her partner. Information isn’t always what the woman needs. Often, the real need is for emotional support and intervention by a third party who will literally remove the woman from the situation. This is what Lena found in Eddie.

Eddie’s mother was an abused wife. He knew the signs. He recognized what it meant to wear sunglasses on a cloudy day. He knew what long sleeves in 80 degree weather were hiding. He understood why she flinched if someone made a sudden move. Mostly, he recognized the hopelessness that dulled Lena’s eyes. As a child Eddie couldn’t help his mother. As an adult, he was able to help a friend.

I can’t say how I would have acted in Lena’s position. I do know that I feel ashamed for thinking so harshly of Lena for leaving Tom. I should have trusted that there was a good reason for it. I should have offered my support, not my judgment. I hoped that she would forgive me. I hope that I can forgive myself.

Bonnie Landis, a Los Angeles native, now resides in Hudson, Ohio.

Posted by Elizabeth Armstrong Moore on Friday, April 27th, 2007 | Email This Post

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