Addicted to Pleasure
1985 to 1990, Seattle, Washington
By Darian Brodie
I do solemnly swear that I had an addiction. This I must confess. Eighth grade. Ninth grade. Tenth grade. Eleventh grade. I was addicted to masturbating.
I’m a girl. I just knew that I must have been a complete freak of nature. None of the other girls masturbated – just me, I thought. Shamefully, thinking I was strange, full of odd thoughts, and sexual way beyond the norm, I continued to masturbate. Urgently.
Quickly. The faster, the better. And sometimes, the more times a day, the better. I would even sometimes keep track of how many times, trying to compete with myself for the sheer dirtiness and secret pleasure of it. Shaming myself that I was even committing this act, yet also willing myself to achieve at least the same number of tremors of pleasure and release as the day before.
If I could earn the ultimate goal of that good feeling in just mere seconds, it was the easiest way for me to deal with the thought that I shouldn’t even be doing it at all. Never taking my time, and only doing it through the outside of my clothes or underwear. Must not actually touch myself. No!
I was already weird and full of shame that the thought of actually touching myself without a layer of clothing in between my fingers and my bare skin was too much for me to grasp. Then I would be truly perverted; of this I was thoroughly convinced throughout high school and junior high.
Part of my addiction was to do it when I thought that my mother might catch me. To fool her. To get away with it. Since my clothes were always fully on, I was able to just hide the fact that I was masturbating. At least I thought I did. It was a surefire plan to pleasure myself, have the thrill of getting caught, and know that I was somehow making a fool of my mother – even if she wasn’t aware of it.
If I had a book in my hand, lying on the couch while she did the dishes, that provided a good disguise for the “getting caught” factor. The thrill of adventure and of doing something that I shouldn’t be doing, where I shouldn’t doing it, drove me to crazed obligation to myself.
When my mother thought she might have heard something and started to walk across the kitchen linoleum toward the living room to see what I was doing, I would simply take my hand away, hold my book, and innocently look up at her as if to say, “What the hell do you want?” in that way that only teenagers can do. Eyes dripping with venom and a dare to question me. Inside I would laugh, thinking I was so sneaky and getting away with it. The fantastical thrill of it was sensational.
Once, when I was 19, I even masturbated in the bathroom at work. I knew I was quick at it. I wanted to have that sense of sexual adventure again and was convinced that I could go ahead and get away with it in a matter of minutes. And I did.
I think that I had a secret smirk on my face for the remainder of the day. Of course, I was still using the over-the-underwear method; I still wouldn’t actually touch myself.
If I remember correctly, that day, I was wearing a short-sleeved denim shirt with brown-and-tan striped shorts, ankle-high brown tie-up boots, and slouchy socks. I looked the part of the normal, innocent shy-girl day care teacher, but inside, I felt like I was some sort of a sneaky sexual being that was behaving ultimately deviously, committing inconceivable acts.
Little did I know then that many people have done that at work! Ha! I was so not an original, nor that much of a rebel, tthough I thought I was at that time. And that was fun.
Even now, in my 30s, every once in a while, while sitting at my boring computer desk in my office, I have just, by pure coincidence, moved a certain way that brings about the first tingling sensations of arousal. Then I tentatively continue, hoping that maybe, just maybe, if I move just right and just long enough before someone walks by, then I could actually have an orgasm. A quiet orgasm while sitting at my desk.
Don’t you feel the thrill of that? It hasn’t happened yet, and I don’t try often. Can you even imagine if your boss or co-worker caught you? Oy vey! But every once in a while, a wave of that old habit, addiction, sense of adventure, overwhelms me, and I just have to try.
Usually, this is followed by me e-mailing or text-messaging my girlfriend to tell her that I am “oh so horny” or that I wish that I could be home with her right then and there, or to tell her exactly what I wish we were doing at that second. She loves those e-mails and texts, anyway.
I know I can’t be the only one sitting in my work chair trying to get a little sexual satisfaction while getting paid to input data, run reports, answer letters, or schedule meetings. A little bouncing of the leg, or rocking in the office chair, or sitting a certain way….I won’t offend people with details; I’m just saying that I think that many people do it in places that they might be caught.
Do you do it too?
Darian Brodie has lived in Seattle her entire life and loves the Pacific Northwest. Having recently graduated from college, she is thoroughly enjoying being able to once again write without boundaries. She is using a pseudonym.
Posted by Elizabeth Armstrong Moore on Thursday, May 31st, 2007 | Email This PostThis entry was posted on Thursday, May 31st, 2007 at 12:01 am. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
11 Responses to “Addicted to Pleasure”
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May 31st, 2007 at 5:48 am
Fantastic story
Thanks for sharing
May 31st, 2007 at 9:23 am
How many lonely folks are out there with this exact confession/addiction. What a shame that so much of the human experience is mired in shame, confusion, and being wrong.
You weren’t alone. Remember that time I came over and we watched tapes of Saturday Night Live and wouldn’t share the blanket? This is why.
May 31st, 2007 at 10:17 am
I love it! Brings back memories of the “secret pleasures” I have experienced…and makes me want more! Thanks for a great story.
July 2nd, 2007 at 1:07 am
No way are you alone I mas… (you know) pretty much daily. It’s that throbbing sensation that makes it all worth while, abandoning reality to your deepest darkest dirtiest thoughts that you secretly want. I sleep on a couch, next to another couch. and when everyones sleeping I sneakily ‘’get off ‘’while holding me breath and shoving my face into my pillow so noone will hear. Im not afraid to talk about it because thats not the vulnerable part, getting caught is. I was a curious girl partially gulty for being molested at an earlier age by a ‘’friend'’ of my mother’s. To this day i mas… about what happend except in my fantasy im a ‘’Supafreek'’ instead of that scared confused 11 year old who pretended to be asleep.
February 11th, 2008 at 11:50 am
I can relate to Darian’s ectasy. As a young man growing into puberty, I found the pleasures of masturbation and have enjoyed it most of my life. Getting “away” with it in public was an extra thrill and I have done that four or five times. Then to reach adulthood and find a femaler pardner who not only enjoyed doing it herself but liked watching me as well. The best one is masturbating each other and then “cleaning” each other up, orally.
March 24th, 2008 at 7:58 pm
oh….if only my body would tingle as easily as it did when I was 16!
And no, you weren’t alone.
March 26th, 2008 at 9:28 am
I thoroughly enjoyed reading this post.. I am a 16 year old female. I discovered masturbating about a year ago and have been doing it since. I always knew that it wasn’t unnatual but I still get a thrill out of knowing that I should’t be doing this or what would happen if I got caught..
home alone
Bathroom at work
watching a movie with my parents
babysitting
in the shower
March 26th, 2008 at 10:19 am
You girls have it made! I was addicted to masturbation too. But if a boy indulges himself he’s labeled as a sexual deviant! Or he gets a ticket and recognized as a sex offender… Thank goodness I never got too carried away… or caught when I did get carried away! But guys have to be somewhere private and we can’t ‘do it through our clothes’ for goodness sake! And we brag about being able to pee standing up! And why is it that the guy always has to beg… It’s because you girls can pleasure yourselves while you’re working or reading a book on the couch! So if you get horny… you just go to the restroom. We get horny and we have to beg and whine and plead for your merciful touch! Curse you addicted female masturbater! Curse the vibrator, Bring back the cave man days where the man could drag the woman home by the hair! (that’s hot) Oh… and I do have to admit… it’s pretty hot knowing there are a bunch of girls out there that are as horny as I am. All the time… And here I thought girls just didn’t even care for sex or have those feelings… But no… the difference is they just don’t need us guys to get off! The good lord made it too easy for women! I bet there were at least a hundred guys around you that would have given anything to know you were addicted to touching yourself! But remind me not to shake your hand… Actually, scratch that… I’ll shake your hand… Because it’s probably as close to the action as I’m a gonna get!
March 30th, 2008 at 12:54 am
I loved this. I enjoy how you flirted the line between “Is this wrong?” and “I’m me, so to hell with it”. You engaged the reader with your question at the end. Your tastefulness does not make the reader embarrassed for you or themselves. And I’m in the same spot luv.
And to “Ethan Dickenson”:
You may get labeled as a “sexual deviant” for masturbating, but more often than not, it’s the “boys will be boys” mentality. And if it’s in public, EVERYONE gets labeled as a sexual deviant if they’re caught. Women and sexuality is still frowned upon. We are still teaching young girls not to enjoy their bodies or their sexuality. We get branded as “sluts”, “whores”, and “easy”. You get labeled as “studs”. So please don’t say we “have it easy”. In physical terms, perhaps, because it is much less obvious, but that is the only way we “have it made”.
May 13th, 2008 at 8:20 pm
You know I thought I was alone out here but I am not. I was really suprised when i seen this issue because i am with yall totalley. I too have my me times. And it makes me wonder does it all go back to my molestation issues. I can really relate to Audrey Kamen it was like i was reading about myself when i read her reply. I too feel like the super freak now instead of the scared 7 year old pretending to be asleep.
June 29th, 2008 at 9:36 pm
I found this so interesting. We may be all addicted to pleasure.
It is true that you as a female have an advantage of being able to masturbate
without being discovered. When was in the 8th grade, I masturbated several times a day. We had a small house, and I had to hurry like you, as to not get caught by my sister, or mom. Some times I humped my pillow, had a box of kleenex near by. This having to hurry for a guy, doesn’t work out so well later.
I have always suffered from premature ejacalation, which may have come from this hurry up mode.
I am now married to a lady, who is addicted to sex. she masturbates several times
some days, on her drive home from work, and any place the mood strikes. She has told me about sleeping with her boss, his friend, and masturbating with the help of
my best friend. I have read about addictions, and about 85% were molested at a young age. Soceity, does put a double standard on this behavior for a female.